White Lies and Self Advocacy
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[00:00:00] Welcome to Enough With The Small Talk. I'm your host, Katie Lange. I'm your pain recovery coach and life coach, here to help you navigate this little thing we call living. Are you done with the surface level life? Over surface level conversations? You're craving that deep emotional support where you can bare your soul to someone who cares?
[00:00:28] That's me. I'm that person. I'm that best friend that everyone thinks is their therapist, you know, except they're not a therapist, but that's okay. I'm here to emotionally support you, help you acknowledge and recognize the things that you've actually gone through, and to show you that what you feel is valid, and that the key to moving forward in healing is understanding exactly who you are.
[00:00:52] So I can't wait to dive in.[00:01:00]
[00:01:01] Well hello there. It's so nice to have you here listening. How are you doing today? I am here sitting in my chair thinking about life, client work, what's been like At the forefront lately. What's been going on in my life. What's helpful to share and Holy hot damn you guys It's a lot it's a lot to say the least Katie Lane has been in the full throes of wedding planning still And we are getting there.
[00:01:46] We are getting there. I will be completely honest and tell you that your girl had no idea what I was getting myself into planning such a big wedding DIY style. [00:02:00] And just the last six months of my life, the last six months of my client work, the topic, what I've like whittled down, basically the root of like what I'm so focused on in my own life and really the center of my work with other people is all about.
[00:02:21] And if you've been around me in my world for a while, this word phrase will not be new to you. Self advocacy. But I want to dive into this more because I feel like Self advocacy is a very, like, overused term these days. What does it really mean? So I want to give you guys my meaning, and then I want to talk about it, like, real life examples.
[00:02:45] And because I've realized this really is at the root of everything, and I feel like when you hear self advocacy, it's like You know, fighting for what you believe in or fighting for what you want, like [00:03:00] fighting for it, fighting for it. And it's not like in my eyes, you guys, it's not about like fighting for anything.
[00:03:09] It's just having the skills, the confidence and the self understanding to be able to navigate your life. In a way that's true to you. So like aligned with, yeah, what you want and what you need and what you think, right? Like having the confidence to just say what you think, having the confidence to just share your opinions, having the confidence.
[00:03:33] Yeah. To say no. Right. I feel like self advocacy and learning to say no go hand in hand, but it's not just about saying no, it's about saying yes in the right situations. It's about having more than a yes or no conversation, right? Like being capable and able and finally having the skills to have those difficult conversations.
[00:03:56] To me, self advocacy literally has woven its [00:04:00] way into every inch and aspect of my life. And it's the same thing for everybody else. Like, we are, every single day there are opportunities that we are missing or that we are taking full advantage of to advocate for ourselves. And a lot of people are living in the space of like, missing the opportunities, feeling extremely uncomfortable in situations, not feeling confident in themselves, not being able to really Act in a way that they want, or speak in a way that they want, and just like, live their life in a way that they want.
[00:04:37] And, let's like, ground this to reality right now. So like, for me, prime examples, oh my lord. This wedding planning process, the self advocacy comes down to like, the simplest thing of being able to pick out the plate that I want. And like not overthink or [00:05:00] not let Other factors sway me from, like, using the plates that I want at my wedding, or going with one vendor over the other, being able to have that conversation, like, this wedding planning process has tested me in every way, shape, and form that I have been, like, working on myself the last five years, and holy shit, you guys, like.
[00:05:24] It's cool, and I love this experience, but at the same time, I'm so freaking ready for this planning process to be over. OVER. Because I feel like I've been tested enough in the last six months, okay? But, I have been able to prove to myself over and over and over again in this process that like, what I've been doing To help myself and like the process that I naturally kind of help guide my clients through it works It freaking works because your girl has got the plates that she wants and We're at [00:06:00] the just the things you know, my wedding has really been an opportunity for me to like Get really particular about what I want become really decisive about what I want Make choices That I really want, like with myself and with Eric in mind, and I have always really, really struggled with making choices where I was the top priority, right?
[00:06:35] And that's another thing. Like, Another simplified way of like self advocacy in my brain is like are you able to make choices with yourself as the priority? Or do you feel like incapable of that? Right, and it's not to say like screw everybody else But if you're not able to make the choices that are in your best interest You're never going [00:07:00] to be living a life.
[00:07:01] That's truly yours and quite honestly fuck that like We're not here for a long time. Our lifetime is in perspective, not as long as we think, you know, we think we have quote unquote forever. And I'll just tell you the last three years I've had so many family members die and the perspective that comes with death is truly a gift.
[00:07:31] Okay, the death itself, obviously, is extremely hard, and the loss, but the perspective that death, that these deaths have given me in my life, I just, I feel I live my life in a way that I'm more proud of having. been given this perspective after losing my uncle, losing my grandmother, [00:08:00] losing my grandfather.
[00:08:01] And it's really shown me that like your lifetime feels like a long time, but it's really not, you know? And what a shame to live your life and die and leave this earthly plane just having lived your life and making choices that like weren't really what you wanted, you know? And
[00:08:35] it's not easy. It's not easy. You know, and I posted a reel that was like, are you that person that you're just so nice that, and so honest that you keep ending up in situations where like you really don't want to be in, or you wish you could have said no, or you spent way too much money, right? Like I don't want to be in those situations [00:09:00] over and over and over again fall into that pattern on repeat for the rest of my life.
[00:09:04] Do you? And I've realized like the reason that no matter what I'm doing in my, my little business here, like the root of it is always self advocacy and I've realized because it's just been something I sucked at so long in my life. Like I sucked. It's self advocacy and yes, I understand where it comes from and I've done all like the self awareness looking back Understanding myself, which is something that I love Helping you guys do I think there's a lot to gain from understanding why you are the way you are Once you understand it, I think it's you're you're better equipped to move forward It's not about hanging on to the past, it's not about using it as an excuse, it's not about blaming anybody.
[00:09:54] All these things, it's just about gaining enough understanding to [00:10:00] why you understand why you, why you are the way you are so you can stop being so hard on yourself. Right? Like I think a lot of people that come to me, they just beat themselves up so much. I mean, it's natural. We do that as humans. Right?
[00:10:13] But. I think that's one of the most significant pieces of understanding your past is you kind of learn to give yourself a little bit, a little bit of a break, because once you start diving into the truths of what you've been through in your past, it validates why you are the way you are. And then it's empowered.
[00:10:32] Like, then you have the empowered choice. to either stay the same or not. You know what I mean? And I'm here for those of you guys who kind of like, don't want to stay the same anymore or at least have shit that, you know, you want to work through. And it's time. Like it's, you know, there's stuff that's getting in your way of you being able to step up to the plate for yourself, you know?
[00:10:56] And[00:11:00]
[00:11:01] it really, really begins to dictate your everyday life choices. You're doing you're kind of entrapped in this like
[00:11:14] Not knowing how to make choices for yourself I have just simple simple frickin Story here. So I won like a facial a free facial at my bridal Expo that I went to like a month ago and So they call me they're like you want a free facial it's like oh, that's so exciting and And So I go, it's in Portland, so it's an hour away.
[00:11:38] It was 18 to park, mind you, okay? So, remember now, free facial. I go in, this is like a legit, they're like legit estheticians with like machines and injectables and all sorts of stuff that I was not expecting. And I go in, and I [00:12:00] start to learn real quick that this Yes, it's free, but it was also like a sales pitch to try to upsell me on different Offers their memberships that they have each month, right?
[00:12:12] And so I'm in there and they're scanning my face in their machine and showing me my skin And they aged me. They're like, if you don't do anything of what we're gonna recommend to you, this is what you're gonna look like. And of course I looked like a weathered old hag, you know what I mean? Like I'm sure they add a little something something when they, when they age you in that system because I think it's meant to terrify you, okay?
[00:12:37] I'm like, excuse me. I look at her and I'm like, you guys are good. Like this is where you get people, huh? So I knew, okay, now I'm like, shit, I'm in one of my least favorite positions right now, okay? Where like, someone's gonna pitch me something and I know I want to say no, but now I'm like, okay, but how do I say no, right?
[00:12:58] And these are the situations [00:13:00] that Katie Lane used to be in all the time, and I literally did not know how to say no. Rather than having the, what I felt was uncomfortable conversation around no, I would say yes to anything, anything. Just imagine the situations that you end up in when you can't say no, not good, right?
[00:13:22] So. She gets me into the next room and she's like, oh yeah, you have your free facial, but you can upgrade to this mask. I don't do anything for skincare, you guys. Like, I put coconut oil on my face like once a week. And that about sums up my uh, my skincare routine. And I got this one wrinkle across my forehead that she so kindly pointed out.
[00:13:48] And she's like, oh we have injectables. We can fix that. She's like, are you open to injectables? And I was like, not, not very, no. [00:14:00] Uh, but thank you. And so we get into this room and she's trying to upsell me on all these things for only 50 out of pocket. You can add on this option. I was very proud of myself because I was like, you know what?
[00:14:13] I think I'd like to just stick with my 30 minute facial. I'm new to all this. I wasn't really expecting all of these different like offers and services. So I'd love to just start there. Good job, Katie, right? I'm like, Oh, so proud of yourself. Yes. Okay. We're getting there. Now I can just relax and enjoy this facial.
[00:14:32] I've never had a facial before. I just wanted to go in and relax. So she does a 30 minute facial. Then she comes in with a full product suite, like all these different products. You guys, it was over 400 worth of products that she was trying to sell me. And like old Katie, right before kind of doing all of this self [00:15:00] awareness work and self confidence work and understanding myself and getting clear on like what I want and don't want.
[00:15:09] Before doing that, I would have gotten suckered in probably to the 400 worth of products. Because of the guilt I felt. I felt guilty, right? I could tell. I'm like, oh, here it comes. You automatically feel guilty because they're giving you this free service. Oh, I should buy this, or I should at least buy something, right?
[00:15:32] And before, the guilt would have overruled. Decision to really say no This time I'm happy to report that Katie Lane walked out of there with nothing in my hands I was able to say no. I said like I very much appreciate this. I was honest I was honest and the truth is and this is what I said to her and she did not like this answer you guys Oh my [00:16:00] lord.
[00:16:00] She was pissed. I Was like, you know You I've, I've got a lot of like helpful information being in here and the truth is like my skin just hasn't been a priority for me and I know that if I buy any of these products right now, like I'm not going to go home and implement them into my day to day. I do not do well with implementing new things like that and if it's not something that I want and it's not a priority for me, I'm definitely not going to do it.
[00:16:30] So I just know it would be a waste of money for me. I was so proud of myself like oh You guys I get so proud of myself when I like have these moments of practicing what I preach, you know Like I'm like, oh, yeah, like my clients would be so proud, you know And she was like, oh god, it was kind of like, it was, it was uncomfortable because then she, she shifted [00:17:00] into this like, desperate saleswoman position where she was like, well, what if you just buy one?
[00:17:08] And I was like, Uh, no, thank you. I'm like, I really, I'm not going to implement it. And then I also told her, I said, you know, are these products natural? Like I'm very much, if I'm going to implement something new, like I air on the holistic side of medicine. And if I'm going to be putting something on my skin, consecutively, consistently, like I I'm the type, That I just want it to be natural, you know, and she was like, um, I Don't really know how to answer that and I was like, okay.
[00:17:44] Well, there we go anyway, so that was like a real life example of self advocacy coming through and These are the day to day situations that we get in even something as simple as like going out to eat with family or [00:18:00] friends or people that you kind of You know, don't feel like you can 100 percent be yourself around.
[00:18:06] Maybe you find yourself ordering a certain type of meal because you don't want to deal with like the judgment, like just like these, these small day to day things that like over time compound to just unhappiness in your life, right? Like the disappointment within yourself that like, why didn't I just order what I wanted?
[00:18:28] Why didn't I just, you know, Go to where I wanted to go to or offer my opinion or like, gosh, I just think of how many times like I've felt this way in my life when situations end where I'm like, why didn't I just insert the blank? And it was always because I never had the confidence. Like, I never felt like my opinion was Like, why would we go to [00:19:00] where I want to go to?
[00:19:03] Right? Like, why? I'll just be easy and go where everybody else wants to go. Like, why? Ah, you know what I mean? Like, that, that feeling of just, you kind of just feel small. You kind of sink into your shell. And it's just, you find it easier. To kind of just go with the flow Which isn't a bad thing all the time, but when you live your life like that You guys know exactly what i'm talking about.
[00:19:31] Like if this is you or has been you you know what I mean Like after a while you get sick of living under a rock Right and just being like super passive because at your core you're like not a passive human Right see and this is where like the discontent Content the unfulfillment the unhappiness comes from.
[00:19:52] Because a lot of people, this is what I've seen. Everyone that I've worked with, I can confidently say this across the board, [00:20:00] there's not a single person that I've worked with that by nature at their core is actually like a passive human. But because of lack of confidence, because of lack of the self advocacy skills, they've fallen into this kind of passive role in certain relationships and aspects in their life.
[00:20:20] And what happens is, you get sick of it after so long. Right? As you should get sick of it after so long. You know?
[00:20:35] Oh, man. And I was talking to someone the other day. Who was it? A client, someone. About like, It's not Right? It's not like it's automatically going to be comfortable to just like start. Start adding your opinion when maybe you wouldn't. [00:21:00] Start, whatever the, whatever the situation is, you know. Actually just sharing your true thoughts versus just yes ing someone to death.
[00:21:10] Or, you know, actually believing that, You can say no in certain situations. A lot of times we, we, we're kind of wired to think that it's bad to say no. Right? So we've gotten in the habit of just saying yes. Because if we don't say yes, well then what does that mean about us? What does that mean about me?
[00:21:31] Right? So kind of overcoming that like, um, Oh, what's the word? What's the word? Complex. Kind of overcoming that like there's a lot of kind of these emotional complexes. I don't know if I'm that's really the word I want here But I guess that works Overcomings and understanding some of these emotional complexes or barriers in our mind is also very crucial because it's kind of like a [00:22:00] roadblock, right?
[00:22:00] It's like a tree down. It's a tree down in your brain and your ability to kind of do that next notch, that next level of like you. And, um, yeah, a lot of people just believe like they can't say no. And like I said, self advocacy isn't always about saying no. It's just about answering in a way that's like actually the truth, you know, like, You fib a lot.
[00:22:27] If you're, if you're the kind of person that like, you just kind of want to go with the flow to disrupt, to uh, avoid, you know, making waves or whatever. You tell little white lies a lot and you probably don't even realize it because your white lies are like you just yessing people to Death or your little fibs are like sure.
[00:22:49] I'll go there. Yeah, we can go there I want to go there, but really you didn't want to go there Or like for food sure that restaurants fine Oh, yeah, let's order that but you really [00:23:00] didn't want to eat that or you really didn't want to go there or like How was so and so? How was this experience you just had?
[00:23:08] Oh, it was good. Yeah, but was it really? And you just don't want to sound like you're complaining, right? Like we withhold the truth. That's what ends up happening is you kind of turn into this passive human and certain with certain people in your life and these little fibs, you just kind of turn into the yes woman and like, Yeah, it can feel safe and it can feel easier.
[00:23:36] to avoid x, y, and z, but like, that's not why you're here. That's not who you are. You know, it's hard when you have overpowering personalities in your circle too, because that can often really push [00:24:00] us into that passive role. And those can be the most difficult situations to really kind of implement this self advocacy and fine tune your self advocacy skills.
[00:24:11] But honestly, those are like when it's most important. Is, you know exactly what I'm talking about. With some people, it's just more difficult. It's just more difficult. They're like extremely decisive or maybe they're super critical or they're just kind of the one that always runs the show Those are the tricky ones that put the more that we practice When we're in those more difficult situations is when it becomes easier and I always say that the practice is really what?
[00:24:44] Is the key? Right. Like understanding number one and then getting enough support and enough comfortability to at least just start practicing and knowing that not going to be perfect, [00:25:00] not going to be pretty. Maybe the first A lot of times You're not necessarily gonna be able to do it with a level head at first and stay calm and articulate things Exactly how you would like to and that's okay, but it's having like the courage to start practicing You know So if you're out here listening to me right now and you're resonating with this And you're like, yep, that's me just know that you don't have to be that way all the time anymore You know, like you really don't There are ways to be cut like step more into yourself Around people in your life in a way that you feel good about It's not about saying no and being a dick right and being disrespectful and being rude which I see a lot of in today's world, kind of going [00:26:00] from one extreme to the other.
[00:26:01] This is about finding your sweet spot of where you feel good. You're proud of how you carry yourself. You feel like a confident, independent human, capable of managing your own choices and your own life decisions. And just not being, not letting your fear hold you back from getting what you want out of your life.
[00:26:22] And living. Living the way you want experiencing the thing that you want to experience all from the everyday little things to bigger things in your life, you know So we're gonna wrap it up here today just Think about this. Just think about your How is your ability? This is a good question to leave you with How how is your ability to?
[00:26:53] To self advocate. Like, do you feel like you're terrible at it? It's so [00:27:00] uncomfortable. It makes you want to die. Are you, meh, you know, you can do it sometimes around the right people or are you like, girl, I'm crushing it. Like, I got this in the bag. Like, I don't even need to hear this episode. Which one are you?
[00:27:19] Which one are you? Think about that. Okay, and just think of little ways little ways that you can When I'm when a situation arises Have the awareness to where normally, you know, you would just kind of yep Okay, sure, or whatever it is that you would do and stop yourself and try try try To be like, you know what?
[00:27:52] Like, this is my moment. This is one of those times where I'm going to try to actually say what I want to say, or actually share my opinion, or actually [00:28:00] say that I would prefer this instead, or, you know, be honest about why I'm saying no to something, or whatever it is. It's like, you can do this, but you need to start practicing and then I promise it will become easier.
[00:28:15] If you are looking for support on this journey in your life, you are looking for someone to talk to, you're feeling like you need emotional support and emotional outlet in your life with your healing, with your relationships, with your relationship with yourself. You just. Feeling like you need to work through some stuff.
[00:28:38] You got stuff you want to get off your chest. You want to talk to someone, but you don't necessarily want to call up your best friend and unleash it on them. You don't want to call your mom and, you know, sound like a broken record. You don't want to sit there and talk to your husband and just feel like, you know, it just turns into a fight.
[00:28:54] Nothing really changes and like, yeah, you feel me?[00:29:00]
[00:29:01] That is why I am here. That is why I am here, because you guys, I lived my whole life for a long time, feeling like it was just me. You know? Feeling like I didn't really have someone that understood me. Feeling like I really didn't have I am a very complex individual that I have a lot of thoughts and I need to let them out.
[00:29:29] I am capable of figuring things out on my own just like you are. I'm not here to figure things out for you. I'm here to give you the space and the support for you to figure it out on your own because I know I am capable of figuring out my life on my own with the right outlet, with the right support.
[00:29:50] With the right space to be able to unleash all my thoughts without having to worry about Boring someone or burdening someone or talking too [00:30:00] long or thinking they're gonna judge me for like my thoughts and and my Fears and my insecurities or what i'm thinking or what I want or what I need, right? Like it's so hard to just find someone to freaking talk to That isn't always just trying to offer a solution or offer an opinion or offer you freaking criticism, right?
[00:30:20] You So that's why I'm here To listen to support to help you figure out and navigate Uh links in my show notes. You guys know how to contact me. My instagram is healing with katie lane I have a lot of new listeners a lot of new faces lately. Um Don't hesitate to reach out if these things just hit home with you.
[00:30:44] You feel connected to me I always say this because this is how my like most dear clients come You Come, come to me is Usually just listening and being like dang like I need to talk to this woman. Like I just need to be [00:31:00] in this space if What I'm saying feels like a comfort to you. You feel seen you feel understood You have the itch to like, Oh, I really just need to freaking talk to someone.
[00:31:11] Don't hesitate to reach out. Okay. I'll put a link for you to click to figure out how to contact me. I don't know off the top of my head exactly what I'm going to do, but you know where the show notes are. And I love you all. I hope you're doing well. Thank you so much for being here and as always take care of yourself.
